Have you ever feel like... empty?

Like, really empty. The real emptiness.

When you really have no motivation left, have no idea what to do with life, cant do anything but staring blankly at the ceiling of your room while laying on your back, scrolling your Twitter but not focusing, barely eat, hard to sleep, and more, more, more.

I feel it. Until I write this post, I still feel it (but I think I feel kinda better when I write this).

Since last month until now, I really have no idea what’s going on with my life. I couldn’t think straight. This is even worst than when I was doing my skripsi (even when I had to go to ER at 1 am). So much thoughts on my mind, I cant even choose which one is right or wrong.

Even reading quotes cant help me. And if you know me, I’m a quote lover, always motivate myself with bunch of quotes, make it as my wallpaper, lockscreen, or brush lettering. But suddenly, it’s just some meaningless words for me.

I think I lost myself.

My mind is full with negativity.

“Why is this happening to me?”

“Why am I being like this?”

“Why is it so hard to get up from my bed?”

“Why everything seems so wrong?”

“What should I do with this life?”

“I am so unskilled, have no talents, so stupid.”

“Is this the right decision? What decision should I make?”

“Do we need to make it big?”

“My dreams are drifting away from me.”

“What will people say about me? They’re gonna judge, indeed.”

If i wrote all of my negative thoughts, I bet one post is not enough.

But I’m writing this right now not just to spill about it, but as usual, to remind myself.

So here’s what happened all mornings for these past two months:

I slept early, because I didn’t know what to do. And to make sure I didn’t overthink everything and ended up being anxious, I decided to sleep. Even it’s so hard.

For your information, when you feel empty and full of negativity, sleep isn’t the answer anymore. Yeah, I cant believe I finally come at the point where sleep is not helping anymore. Not that much. So, when I woke up in the morning, I still feel so numb. Had no idea what to do. Then I opened my social media, compared myself on Instagram with other people’s life, laughed at receh jokes on Twitter, wondering if I could be as best as other people on Linkedin. Or when I felt a lil bit motivated, I would write, then had mental breakdown, then write again, then did brush lettering, and complaining I’m not talented. And then the next day, repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

And I did all of those things for these past two months. Can you imagine that? How many time wasted, how many positive vibes I’ve been ignoring. These two months had been really crazy for me. I never felt more miserable than this before, this is the worst. Really.

There’s a day when you feel like you can do anything; you feel like you can achieve your dreams, you will work hard for it, you feel so extrovert, you can meet thousands of people or more, then you feel so motivated and energized, nothing can stop you from doing what you love. But then, right the next day, you feel like a trash, and so unworthy, unloved, and all of those negative thoughts pop up in your mind.

And even sometimes, it happens in a day. You feel both of it in a day. In the morning you feel so motivated then at 11 am you feel like, “Ah, udahlah. Lo rebahan aja udah paling bener.” Then, sambat all day.

I know it is so toxic and I just wasted my time, but trust me, when your mind is full of negativity, you really have no power left. I feel it. For these two months. Nggak berdaya.

It feels like... there’s no end for this. I dont see any hopes anymore. For my life, for my dreams, even for myself.

Simply said, I once think about to give up. For everything.

But there’s a voice, a really tiny voice inside my head, whispered to me, “No, dear self. There’s still hope, there are still lot of chances out there. You just need to think straight, and just do. Just do it.”

Actually, I know I dont want to give up, but I just cant keep going if the situations are like this.

It’s just too complicated, or I could say, my mind make it complicated.

But, I’m not going to talk about those miserable things here. As I said earlier, I write this to remind myself. Because I dont know what will happen after I write this (right now is 08:51, October, 29th 2019). Maybe I could have mental breakdown again, or maybe I would rebahan all day because this negativity. But for now, because I feel ‘normal’, I would write it down here.

So last night, I gathered with the love of my life since high school, my bestfriends for life: Nadya, Ocha, and Nisa (which is akhirnya ketemu setelah dua tahun Nis ya Allah). And we also did a vidcall with Hani and Farah (and Dzaky too for a minutes; Ocha’s BF). We were finally able to talked to each other lengkap berenam. It felt so amazing I almost cried (lebay).

We talked about our life, our struggles, our thoughts, everything in our minds nowadays. My mind and my heart suddenly feels like... at ease, I guess? Because finally I feel like I’m not alone. And finally I could say what’s on my mind for these past two months. Finally I spill the tea (rame bat kaga ada yang mau mutualan apa? eya).  I feel kind of relieved because I know I’m not alone in this quarter life crisis journey; my besties were fighting with their own problems too. We all are fighter. As I listened to my besties’s probs, it just... opened my mind.

What I want to say, we, human, every human in this world, has their own problems. Even the problem is different for each person, but it is still a problem. A struggle in life. And all of us trying to survive from it, to make us stronger than before. Wiser than ever. No matter how big or small your problems are, just never compare it to other person. Because everybody’s unique when we need to deal and face our problems. What important is... just keep going. Nisa said to me, just believe that after all of these things happened, you’ll be okay. You will be okay and you will be stronger. For now maybe its just some words, but maybe if you really believe that, and put the positive mindset, you will be able to get through all of these probs.

I remember what Jin of BTS said, and it is true. No matter how big or small (I repeat this okay), it is still problems.

Next, I am an extrovert; ENFJ. I get power and energy when I meet other people and discuss or talk about anything. It feels much much much way better when I socialize with others and talk with them than being stay alone in my room. Because when I’m alone, the negative thoughts could come easily and they’re trying to convince me that they’re real. But the fact is, they are not. It’s just my mind playing some tricks on me. And for these past two months, I feel like I have no one... even my besties, I feel like we are so far from each other. Because I know we are all busy with our own lifes, and I just dont want to bother them with this crazy mind of mine. But that was wrong. Totally wrong. I know maybe someday I would think something like this again, but for now, let me remind myself that my besties are really wonderful person. They are so strong, so lovely and caring. I just cant describe more. Last night was really meaningful for me, because after I ditelan oleh kegelapan pikiran dan diri sendiri, finally I able to get out from that damn dark place. We just listened to each other, saling menguatkan, give advices if we need it, insulted each other too (this one was so funny I couldnt breathe help), we just simply being there for each other. We have our own problems, but we are here for each other, we do care for you. So, if you guys read this, Nad, Nis, Cha, Han, Far, thank you. For being you. For existing in this world, thiz crazy world that we try to survive in every possible way. Thank you, for being my bestfriends.

Thank you, for listening to all of my nonsense all this time.

Thank you, for being there for each other all this time.

Je t’aime.

So much on my mind right now; the positive and negative thoughts. They are both still there; but I could say for now, the portion for positive thoughts are lots than the negative one. I dont mind. As long as I still have one positive thing to think about, I could keep holding on. What I’m trying to do right now is.... just keep going. Slowly, but sure. It’s okay. It’s okay if you’re slow, as long as you keep going and stay alive. I dont know what will happen after this, I mean I could still have a mental breakdown and fighting with the negative thoughts, but this one... is a reminder for me. Hope this post, last night moments, could remind me to stay alive and be positive.

Here’s a memorable words from Nisa yesterday, 

“Setelah semua masalah ini, semua kepahitan hidup ini, aku sampai di titik di mana aku mikir, ‘Aku masih bisa baik sama orang lain, aku masih bisa dengerin cerita orang lain dan menjadi pendengar yang baik dan merespon dengan baik walaupun aku lagi in pain as hell too. I could still be kind for others, and that’s what matters. Ternyata, aku nggak senegatif yang aku kira. Masih ada hal-hal positif di dalam diriku.”

Then I asked her, “How? How to make yourself to think that way?”

“Everything needs process. Ada orang yang bisa cepat, ada yang butuh agak lama prosesnya. But it’s okay. Kalau memang udah waktunya, pasti bakal terjadi. But make sure you try it.”

Before I end this and take a bath, I just wanna say one thing:

Try to find the positive things in yourself within all the negativity. It’s hard, it takes time, and process. But remember, you can only attract positive things if you are being positive.

Ciao!

Nanad, yang lagi pengen minum Dumdum